Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
9 Days and counting
For Keith , I'll be seeing you.
The Little Things
I'll wake up very early, brush my teeth and hair,
I'll get the sleeping babe and bring her with' downstairs,
I'll change and feed her, make sure I've taken care,
And then I'll do the laundry, rest awhile in my comfy chair
I'll make a pot of coffee, have three cups instead of two,
I'll wash and dry the dishes, finish things I have to do
I'll sing songs and play with the girl I should have had with you,
And then I'll phone an old dear friend and ask her what is new
I'll put the baby down, and watch her while she sleeps,
I'll hope she never has to know some things just aren’t for keeps,
I'll lay there on my king sized bed and resort to counting to sheep,
And ignore those things about my life that make me want to weep
I'll not think about the boy I knew, my truest, oldest friend
I'll tell myself that "its o.k., wounds take time to mend"
I'll convince my heart that soon enough I won’t have to pretend,
And then I'll wake and greet the day, just to do it all again
I'll wake up very early, brush my teeth and hair,
I'll get the sleeping babe and bring her with' downstairs,
I'll change and feed her, make sure I've taken care,
And then I'll do the laundry, rest awhile in my comfy chair
I'll make a pot of coffee, have three cups instead of two,
I'll wash and dry the dishes, finish things I have to do
I'll sing songs and play with the girl I should have had with you,
And then I'll phone an old dear friend and ask her what is new
I'll put the baby down, and watch her while she sleeps,
I'll hope she never has to know some things just aren’t for keeps,
I'll lay there on my king sized bed and resort to counting to sheep,
And ignore those things about my life that make me want to weep
I'll not think about the boy I knew, my truest, oldest friend
I'll tell myself that "its o.k., wounds take time to mend"
I'll convince my heart that soon enough I won’t have to pretend,
And then I'll wake and greet the day, just to do it all again
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just cut off my ear already ....
Spent all morning and early afternoon doing research on Children's publishers .The method to my madness was simple : get published first as a children's writer = easier to assimilate into adult fiction.
Hmph.
I have yet to find any definitive answers .There are no roadmaps on this journey .Flying blind would also be a gross understatement.
I'm feeling more than a little defeated .It angers and saddens me to no end.I have a plethora of people who believe in and support me.But well wishes do not get a Children's book published nor adult fiction written.
Am I just another hopeless romantic , daydreaming her life away ?
Maybe this is karma from my keyboard.It's trying to slight me for being brutalized and bashed about by my horrifically large unfeminine fingers.
Lets just get over this hump if that's what it is .feel all these feelings , let them flow through me , use them just as the words use me. ( Thanks Micheal)
Perhaps this melancholia will work to my advantage in the end.I mean , arent the best artists often given to fits of self loathing and doubt?
May as well just shut up and fake like I believe in myself... the alternative is too bloody and I sort of like my ears.
Hmph.
I have yet to find any definitive answers .There are no roadmaps on this journey .Flying blind would also be a gross understatement.
I'm feeling more than a little defeated .It angers and saddens me to no end.I have a plethora of people who believe in and support me.But well wishes do not get a Children's book published nor adult fiction written.
Am I just another hopeless romantic , daydreaming her life away ?
Maybe this is karma from my keyboard.It's trying to slight me for being brutalized and bashed about by my horrifically large unfeminine fingers.
Lets just get over this hump if that's what it is .feel all these feelings , let them flow through me , use them just as the words use me. ( Thanks Micheal)
Perhaps this melancholia will work to my advantage in the end.I mean , arent the best artists often given to fits of self loathing and doubt?
May as well just shut up and fake like I believe in myself... the alternative is too bloody and I sort of like my ears.
Monday, June 7, 2010
It has been the weirdest , most morose and emotionally intense last few weeks for me.
I deleted my IMVU account , something I enjoyed very much to focus more of my attention on my novel .
I've lost people I thought were friends , gained friends I thought were not , wrote like my life depended on it .After a week I started to get the sense that I would and could accomplish anything.I was starting to feel content.
last week my Uncle John , at the tender age of 65 passed away in his sleep.I wasnt close to him , but I had always admired and respected him for the things he accomplished.It was a loss nevertheless .
The thing I remember most about him , the one thing that I've kept with me all these years, is that even though the majority of the time he couldn't remember my name , he knew just by looking at me exactly which of his 5 brother's kids I was.And then offer me menu and make my dinner himself , sit with me a while and tell me to take care of myself when I left.For the perceived and obvious human flaws he may have had , in his heart, and what I assume he more often than not tried to conceal , he was truly a kind and generous man.
His death got me to thinking about how dysfunctial that entire side of the family can be , past grudges run rampant , old hatreds and apathy for things that should be long forgotten and easily forgiven , poison and slowly rot away at the root system of my family tree.
It saddened me deeply and got me to thinking about the happiest times in my life .Wishing I could recapture those moments , those feelings and familiarity .
Once upon a time I had a Family of my own .A family I was extremely proud of .A man I knew then , as I know now I will never forget , how does a person forget the Love of their life?You don't ...you push the feelings away when the burden of absence becomes too painful.But you never really ever forget.
I went to face book and did my usual once in a few months search , figuring I was daft but if I didn't try it would eat at me.
And there he was.
I sent a friend request and waited ...forever it seemed.Wondering , afraid that maybe he wouldn't accept and I should just finally and fully get over him.
I didn't realize until he messaged me the magnitude of my feelings and how strongly I still felt .Or maybe it was that remembering and feeling the loss of the one man I always considered to be the absolute love of my life was too painful and so I buried it as deeply as I could , until the echo of his voice whispered to me and I could not ignore it anymore.
Time to get ready for the funeral of someone I regret never getting close to.
Time to stop regretting the loss of someone I've finally found again.
I guess in the end , or at the beginning , it is as they say it is...It's all about Time.
I deleted my IMVU account , something I enjoyed very much to focus more of my attention on my novel .
I've lost people I thought were friends , gained friends I thought were not , wrote like my life depended on it .After a week I started to get the sense that I would and could accomplish anything.I was starting to feel content.
last week my Uncle John , at the tender age of 65 passed away in his sleep.I wasnt close to him , but I had always admired and respected him for the things he accomplished.It was a loss nevertheless .
The thing I remember most about him , the one thing that I've kept with me all these years, is that even though the majority of the time he couldn't remember my name , he knew just by looking at me exactly which of his 5 brother's kids I was.And then offer me menu and make my dinner himself , sit with me a while and tell me to take care of myself when I left.For the perceived and obvious human flaws he may have had , in his heart, and what I assume he more often than not tried to conceal , he was truly a kind and generous man.
His death got me to thinking about how dysfunctial that entire side of the family can be , past grudges run rampant , old hatreds and apathy for things that should be long forgotten and easily forgiven , poison and slowly rot away at the root system of my family tree.
It saddened me deeply and got me to thinking about the happiest times in my life .Wishing I could recapture those moments , those feelings and familiarity .
Once upon a time I had a Family of my own .A family I was extremely proud of .A man I knew then , as I know now I will never forget , how does a person forget the Love of their life?You don't ...you push the feelings away when the burden of absence becomes too painful.But you never really ever forget.
I went to face book and did my usual once in a few months search , figuring I was daft but if I didn't try it would eat at me.
And there he was.
I sent a friend request and waited ...forever it seemed.Wondering , afraid that maybe he wouldn't accept and I should just finally and fully get over him.
I didn't realize until he messaged me the magnitude of my feelings and how strongly I still felt .Or maybe it was that remembering and feeling the loss of the one man I always considered to be the absolute love of my life was too painful and so I buried it as deeply as I could , until the echo of his voice whispered to me and I could not ignore it anymore.
Time to get ready for the funeral of someone I regret never getting close to.
Time to stop regretting the loss of someone I've finally found again.
I guess in the end , or at the beginning , it is as they say it is...It's all about Time.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Screaming Of The Gulls
She said....
"dare ye not move , stand frozen and still
the sound will pierce and slice you until
the echoes resounding and bounce in your brain
and suddenly screaming is all that remains
they'll peck you and claw and chase you and then
you'll be sorry you flinched"
They're staring again....
"not a word or whimper not a sullen little peep
or they'll make that damn noise ,set your insides to creep
and skin will be crawling and eardrums a bashing
as the waves on the beach come in slicing and crashing
and they'll rise all at once ,a swift sailing murder"
Now you wish you had listened when the old lady murmured....
"tis your funeral for goin' , don't do it my lad"
And you chuckled at her, you thought she was mad!
They're stealing your breath in one great flapping thrall,
your heart beat is slowing and comes to a stall,
and the last thing you hear , to comfort and lull,
a sound terrifying , the screaming of gulls ....
It was a cold and stormy Friday ...
Why I decided to start a blog , I'll never know ...Okay I lied . I know I just happen to have a problem with fanciful and fantastical daydreaming.Then again it isnt really daydreaming if someone very smart and very close to you sais ... " Rebecca, you need to visualize that which you want the most." Ergo I have been.I'm going to be a published writer one day,soon.What?! I am ...hopefully.
Okay so I have a slight problem believing it , BUT , as long as I visualize it , daily , twenty times a day and continue writing it will happen . It has to ...Otherwise I'm going to pay a visit to said friend and bludgeon him in his sleep.Did I mention I'm a fan of Horror films etc ... ?
So,This is my blog.Not sure yet how I feel about it.Could be a good thing.I guess.Might come in handy when all that zen crap pays off and I'm a published novelist.
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