it's sort of odd and unsettling , cruel and a bit masochistic this thing they call Alzheimer's .I say masochistic because some forms of this disease are actually preventable.
My mom called me today and told me to get ready , she was taking me out for an hour and so being the good daughter I am ( ahem ...cough) I hopped in the shower , got dressed and ready.
At first and as usual I was convinced that I was in trouble . mom was acting a bit devious and when we pulled out i asked what i done now.She laughed and said nothing , that she knew of ( good answer Ma ) and that she had a surprise for me .
I asked her if it was the kind of surprise that would make me cry. She said she didn't think so to which i interjected , Hello ? have ya met me ? She gave me a half giggle and said , well maybe , but its a good surprise.
It was a good surprise . it was also a heartbreaking surprise.
We went to visit my Uncle Mark , my father was his favorite brother.Uncle Mark now resides in the dementia ward and St Josephs hospital.
He looked so fragile , and childlike and scared.The once 300 lb , strong like bull , big personality was replaced with a fragility that was almost scary from my viewpoint.
My mom being a nurse and having worked with the elderly for over 20 years led the way as i fell behind , unsure what to do or say next , I felt so small but not as small as my uncle must have felt, two strange women walking with him around and around.
I remember how his eyes always used to light up when i saw him . in them today all i saw was a blankness, as if he was trying to remember something but couldn't remember anything.He could barely speak but when he did , boy did he ever.The F bomb was dropped and I tried not to laugh .it was easy not to .I held his hand for a while as my mom ( who always had adored my uncle Mark) and i walked him around and until he got tired and laid in his bed.
we left him as his eyes started to get heavy and all of a sudden he was lifting his head.I thought for a moment there was a spark of recognition and then as quickly as it was there , shining in his beautiful blue eyes , it flickered away into nothing.
I held mt feelings in until i could no more and just let go and cried as mom and I got to the car.I thanked her for taking me to see him and hoped silently to myself that it will not be the last time i see him.

I kept repeating in my head ,I love you , very much Uncle Mark I always have and I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to spend as much time as we wanted to , hoping upon and perhaps in a silly daydreaming way that might feel my thoughts or at least see in my eyes the adoration that i have always felt.

I suppose one day for sure he will know .I don't look forward to that day .

In the Neverwhere

Something a bit twisted , but what did you expect ? a short post from another Play I wrote in , hope you enjoy.












From : In the Neverwhere



Sweet Caroline’s eyes widened as his voice carried her name, a soft blush painted her alabaster skin as he bent down to her level , a vicious smile darkening her face as he pushes the devious dolly forward .
"...look what I have for you..."
She watches with perfect glee as Mista Flaycwoah lops off the poor dolly’s leg at the knee, an unearthly squeal accompanies excited clapping.
Her ham hock arm reaches for the dolly, bright pink tongue slowly protruding from glossy lips, eyes narrowing on her prize, to Caroline everything else is fading away, deaf and dumb to the wailing dolly’s charms while time as it is nearly stops . Her hand sneaks and snails forward for an eternity .

She blinks. Tight golden ringlets whip back and forth as her head shakes the admittent words swirling over and over in her mind.

“…let Miss Mel there go and dolly's all yours..."
“There’s a good girl.”
“let Miss Mel there go and dolly's all yours..."
“let me tend to Miss Mel..”
“…Good girl ….”

Caroline’s perfect lips curl and grumble as the colour in her eyes oozes until all that’s left is black pools angry oil .

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

The shrill wailing of Caroline’s wrath causes all and sundry in the glade to shiver and moan .She tears the screaming dolly from Dax’ grasp and smashes it to the ground , pummeling and stomping it until the screams subside into a horrific sounding series of misplaced hiccups .Her eyes filled with rage as she stares up at him .Caroline’s voice a mix of honey and dirt as her pitch rises and falls .

“Melpomeeany MY toy! “Crossing her arms and standing her ground.
“Mine, mine, mine!!”

Caroline’s eyes soften suddenly in the midst of her tantrum and then as suddenly as she was seething, a coy smile returned to her lips.
She stalked forward a step, looked to Melpomene as if to say, “no goin no wheres .” and then the evil little girl like thing , stretched out her chubby little toddler arms and before she could ask him , “Uppies!” she stealthily climbed up his left side , wrapped her legs around his waist, held on tight with her head resting on his shoulder and whispered in a sickeningly devious tone .
“You can’t has her all by you own self …”

Both sides now

Letting myself greive the loss of someone I thought I knew , up until today I preferred to ignore it.Now it's time to face reality , stop the denial and do what I do best ...mourn ...





Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Joni Mitchell.