it's sort of odd and unsettling , cruel and a bit masochistic this thing they call Alzheimer's .I say masochistic because some forms of this disease are actually preventable.
My mom called me today and told me to get ready , she was taking me out for an hour and so being the good daughter I am ( ahem ...cough) I hopped in the shower , got dressed and ready.
At first and as usual I was convinced that I was in trouble . mom was acting a bit devious and when we pulled out i asked what i done now.She laughed and said nothing , that she knew of ( good answer Ma ) and that she had a surprise for me .
I asked her if it was the kind of surprise that would make me cry. She said she didn't think so to which i interjected , Hello ? have ya met me ? She gave me a half giggle and said , well maybe , but its a good surprise.
It was a good surprise . it was also a heartbreaking surprise.
We went to visit my Uncle Mark , my father was his favorite brother.Uncle Mark now resides in the dementia ward and St Josephs hospital.
He looked so fragile , and childlike and scared.The once 300 lb , strong like bull , big personality was replaced with a fragility that was almost scary from my viewpoint.
My mom being a nurse and having worked with the elderly for over 20 years led the way as i fell behind , unsure what to do or say next , I felt so small but not as small as my uncle must have felt, two strange women walking with him around and around.
I remember how his eyes always used to light up when i saw him . in them today all i saw was a blankness, as if he was trying to remember something but couldn't remember anything.He could barely speak but when he did , boy did he ever.The F bomb was dropped and I tried not to laugh .it was easy not to .I held his hand for a while as my mom ( who always had adored my uncle Mark) and i walked him around and until he got tired and laid in his bed.
we left him as his eyes started to get heavy and all of a sudden he was lifting his head.I thought for a moment there was a spark of recognition and then as quickly as it was there , shining in his beautiful blue eyes , it flickered away into nothing.
I held mt feelings in until i could no more and just let go and cried as mom and I got to the car.I thanked her for taking me to see him and hoped silently to myself that it will not be the last time i see him.

I kept repeating in my head ,I love you , very much Uncle Mark I always have and I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to spend as much time as we wanted to , hoping upon and perhaps in a silly daydreaming way that might feel my thoughts or at least see in my eyes the adoration that i have always felt.

I suppose one day for sure he will know .I don't look forward to that day .